


A Noisy Silence

by SilentStudies



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Schizophrenia, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 14:04:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10024010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentStudies/pseuds/SilentStudies
Summary: The world is never truly quiet, even when you want it to be.





	1. Attempted Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags before reading, I would appreciate that. I hope you enjoy reading. This is cross posted on my Tumblr.

Fans are screaming, so loudly that it drowns out the music. Fire is playing, and the pyrotechnics flash before his eyes. Namjoon watches the fans chant with passion, and he sees the smiles on the faces of his members. He knows that he should be happy, but an invisible hand clenches his heart. In a facade that he, himself, cannot break, Namjoon smiles as his heart feels as if it’s being crushed underneath his foot. Whispers make it so that he couldn't focus anymore, and he nearly missed his part in their song. His members look at him with concern, but he misses that due to focusing on his part in the song. Frustration builds up in his chest, and he feels like screaming, but he doesn't. With that, their last concert in their tour ends.

Namjoon’s studio remains dark, curtains are drawn and blinds shut. With a glass door and wooden floor, it's a messy place. Here in this space, his voice becomes louder and pain shoots through his chest. Rapping that never suits him somehow and the fan’s online hate. He's not who he used to be, no longer an underground rapper. His voice breaks and turns hoarse. A constant whispering, and an occasional shout in his head reminding him of things that he knows. “You should’ve died a long time ago,” one whisper says. “Do you even deserve to be where you are?” Says another whisper. Stress remains along with his spine, pain all throughout. Back issues come with his stress and Bang PD won't let him rest. Playing the beats loud, Namjoon drowns out the whispers. He loses himself in music for hours, until a knock on the door reminds him of reality.

Yoongi opens the door at two in the morning, with dark bruises from lack of sleep under his eyes. Bidding Namjoon farewell, he knowingly leaves Namjoon in his pit of madness. Namjoon confessed what was going on with him to Yoongi a while back. Bang PD left hours ago, and Namjoon knows the security pin by heart. The building is so beautifully quiet at night. The quietness of it makes the whispers stronger in his ears, and Namjoon feels an urge to scratch it out. With an empty stomach and heart, he eventually leaves as dawn breaks the sky. 

Walking to the dorm in the stillness of dawn, Namjoon feels as if his ears are bleeding due to the deafening noise of the whispers. A headache appears, and Namjoon lets out a tired breath when he finally makes it back.

The dorm is a quiet place within the earliest hours of the morning. Everything seems still and tranquil as it was outside. Despite the quietude, the voices still simmer in the bottom if his ears and taunt him. Wishing for the voices to disappear, Namjoon plugs his ears with his hands only to realize that it's coming from inside his head,

Opening the door, Namjoon throws his jacket onto the couch and walks towards his heavenly bed of despair. Silently opening the door to his shared room, he plops himself down onto the bed after changing into his pajamas. Cracking his spine, he stretches as he worms his way underneath the covers. With his comfy sweatpants and shirt, he cuddles one of his Ryan plushies and closes his eyes. A few seconds later, a blaring noise jolts Namjoon awake. Groggily getting up, he finds himself alone, and the feeling of nausea and dizziness warps his vision. 

Stumbling towards to bathroom, Namjoon nearly knocks Taehyung over. Uncaring of the world at such an early hour, neither of them has the voice to excuse themselves as they continue walking. Namjoon enters the bathroom and quickly starts to wash his face, the grime of the previous day sticking to his skin makes him feel icky. Then he remembers who he is and sees the shadows standing behind him. 

Staring at them through the mirror, he uneasily smiles before he hears the obnoxious sound of loud footsteps coming towards the bathroom. Hurriedly, he finishes his daily routine before Jin knocks on the door to remind him that breakfast is ready. 

He and the other members gather around the table, but suddenly Namjoon doesn't feel hungry anymore. A fit of jealousy that clenches his heart painfully exists within him. So he can't stand the looks of happiness on their faces.

After breakfast, they prepare to go to practice, and Namjoon can't bring himself to do so with his lack of sleep. The members all heard him when he came back, and wouldn't care if he didn't come right? So Namjoon lays down on his bed and closes his tired eyes to fall asleep. 

Waking up has always been a hard thing for Namjoon, and today was no exception. Faithful to his expectations, he awoke to find himself alone in the dorm. The voices are loud in the morning too, making him want to scratch his ears out, so it's a hard thing to restrain himself. Trudging to the bathroom, he feels a sense of readiness that could only signify one thing. Still tired, lazy, and useless he prepares a bath. Taking out his box cutter knife, he goes in the tub with his clothes still on.

After turning off the water, he sits still contemplating whether he's going through with it or not. After making his decision, he stares at his arm for an eternity. Raising the blade, he holds his breath as he cuts up his arm, deep enough for bleeding. Pain shoots up his arm, and Namjoon winces at the pain. Peace overcomes him, and he happily closes his eyes for what must be the last time.

* * *

Taehyung wasn’t expecting much when he came back to the dorm early; he thought Namjoon would be sleeping or working secretly on something. The dorm was dead silent when he walked in, and something felt off. It felt as if time was frozen, and a terrible feeling creeps into his mind. He has to find Namjoon, and maybe the feeling would go away then. Briskly walking into Namjoon’s and Jungkook’s bedroom, he finds Namjoon’s bed messy but empty. The entire room seemed dreary somehow, and a shiver went up Taehyung’s spine. 

Looking around the dorm and he makes his way to the bathroom with hope and dread in his heart. His heart hurt so much from the fear that he found himself hesitating. Then, he heard a sob from the inside. Bursting through the door, he first sees blood staining the clear water. Looking up, he then sees his wrist cut, then Namjoon’s crying face. He makes eye contact, and that spurs him into action. Taking out his phone, he dials the emergency line and then suddenly he can’t breathe. Namjoon closed his eyes and let out a big breath. The operator could hear him struggle to breathe and calmly asks for his location. Answering between heavy wheezes, he feels himself start to cry. He hangs up and rushes to Namjoon. Holding the bleeding hand, he starts to cry harder when he finds it cold. Sobbing, he doesn’t notice the ambulance arriving nor the emergency staff flooding in through the doorway. He only notices when they pull him away from Namjoon, and Taehyung simply lets them. He follows them to the ambulance and gets in.

* * *

When Namjoon wakes up, his first thought is, “I should’ve died.” Looking at the white ceiling and the pastel yellow walls, he breathes a breath that releases some pain that he’s feeling. He’s in a room with several other people on beds. An IV is attached to his arm, and he feels the pain coming from the bandaged one. A door opens, and he sees Taehyung come running through the door, with the rest of the members trailing slowly behind them. He should’ve known. He should’ve known that they would be reluctant to see him if he survived his suicide attempt. Snapping out of his thoughts, he notices the way Taehyung doesn’t immediately hug him. 

The meeting blurs and is quickly put in the back of his mind with what comes when he’s healed. Not allowed to return to his life until the doctors are sure that he wouldn’t do something like this again, he is admitted to the psychiatric ward and is among other people like himself. He also is in a daze while he’s there and the doctors can’t keep him there past a week. 

When he returns, Namjoon apparently lost a lot of weight due to it fluctuating in the hospital. Jin instantly disapproves with this and cooks his favorite meal for dinner. Namjoon barely eats it, and everyone is careful around him and leaves to let him eat at his own pace. Taehyung is the only exception, and he stares holes into Namjoon’s eyes. Eating slowly under Taehyung’s watchful gaze, he manages to finish his dinner. Taehyung smiles brightly at Namjoon when he does so. And practically jumps over the table to hug him, but is careful not to agitate his wound. Namjoon feels as if he truly doesn't deserve him.

After cuddling with Taehyung for a while, they decide to go to bed as it has gotten quite late. Namjoon tries to go immediately to their shared room, but Taehyung forbids it by blocking the path with his body. Taehyung lays on the floor with his arms outstretched, as if it would stop him from going to his room. It works, and the two go to the bathroom and brush their teeth together. 

Namjoon longs for the box cutter knife but doesn't know what his members did to it. And he can't cut himself with Taehyung in the room. His thoughts drift off like that, and he doesn't notice the toothpaste drooling out of his mouth. Taehyung notices the toothpaste falling, and he makes a weird noise of disgust which snaps Namjoon back to reality. Quickly spitting it out, he finishes brushing and flossing his teeth.

Namjoon goes to his room again, and Taehyung grabs his good arm and drags him to their shared room. Forcing Namjoon to lay down on his bed, Taehyung tucks him in then grabs another blanket for himself. Then Taehyung lays down and goes under the blanket with Namjoon, putting the other blanket on top of the both of them. Turning towards Taehyung, Taehyung smiles.

“This way you'll be warm,” Taehyung whispers.

Humming in acknowledgment, Namjoon feels his eyes start to close as Taehyung cuddles him by being the bigger spoon. Like this, Namjoon feels protected and falls asleep quickly.

The first thing he hears when he wakes up is a very annoyingly loud agreement. Groggily sitting up, Namjoon gingerly gets out of bed after noticing that Taehyung was missing. With a headache already, he opens his door only to hit someone. That person was Jimin, and guilt floods through Namjoon. Then he notices how red his cheeks and ears are, and then he notices Taehyung there too gaping at him. 

His headache becomes worse with the whispers aggravating it, and he feels weak all of the sudden. He collapses down onto the floor, black dots blocking his vision. He puts his hands on his ears and starts to scratch. The whispers fill his ears and seem to spill out, and then he realizes that he’s whispering. Looking up slowly he sees two hands coming towards him, panic floods his mind, and he quickly backs away. Closing his eyes, he waits until the strong whispers dissipate 

Opening his eyes after a long time, the world became normal again. He sees his members all staring at him in concern, but they would never be concerned about him. To them, he was a business partner that they couldn't care less about. Even Taehyung was like this, and he was doing all these nice things just to get something out of him. 

With his thoughts warped, Namjoon retreats into his room, ignoring the words directed at him. A few moments later he laid down just as his door opened. Taehyung was sent in to comfort him, just like they planned it somehow. Arguing is one of his triggers, and they don't know that of course. 

Taehyung sits on Namjoon's bed and lays down facing him. Due to the closeness, Namjoon feels slightly bad for Taehyung. Why would he put himself so close to a person who's a freak?

"Hey, are you okay now?" Taehyung says with real concern in his voice.

Startled by the concern in his voice, Namjoon replies, "Yeah, arguing is one of my triggers, so I freaked out. Sorry."

"Don't say sorry; it's not your fault. Jimin and I had a disagreement. We didn't mean to make you scared."

"Is it okay if I tell you a secret?" Namjoon asks.

"Of course it's okay!" Taehyung quietly says trying not to be overzealous with excitement. 

"I hear voices, and the doctors said that it might be the schizoaffective disorder. I have an appointment tomorrow with a therapist. They can't diagnose me right away with it. Is it okay if I'm still a person to you? Not some illness that you can't treat without meds?"

Taehyung, for better or lack of words, is shocked. How would he ever consider Namjoon less than a person due to an illness? He's still Namjoon, but like everyone else, he's unique. He may have panic attacks and hear things that aren't there, but he's truly another human being. 

"I would never treat you differently, except I would love you even more and show it."

"What do you mean by love?"

"Oh, um... I've been in love with you ever since I met you. Love at first sight," Taehyung says with his signature box smile.

Once again, Namjoon is surprised. Does someone love him? Two tears spill from his eyes and he sniffles.

"You love me? Aren't I just a monster? I'm poisonous in a relationship," Namjoon says as he holds back his tears.

"We all love you, that's why Jimin and I were arguing. We both wanted to love you, then you came out and well you know how that turned out. So you understand right?"

"Yes, I do," Namjoon sniffles.

"Do you want to tell the others what you said to me?" Taehyung carefully asks.

"Sure, maybe they'll be like you."


	2. Tiredness and Napping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of sleeping.

All the other members were waiting anxiously in the living room, Namjoon could tell from their posture and body language. Chewing the inside of his lip, Namjoon is led by Taehyung towards the empty couch. Maybe they were waiting for him? What happened while he was in that dark place?

Sitting on the couch Namjoon looks all of them in the eyes, all of them looked worried as Taehyung's did. Taking a deep breath, he feels all their eyes on him.

"I have a therapist appointment tomorrow so I can't practice," Namjoon says in a rush. The members all look at each other, before responding.

"It's okay that you can't come, just know that we all support and love you," Jimin says looking Namjoon in the eyes, "We only want to help you recover so that you'll feel okay again. And I hope Taehyung mentioned how much we love you. Not just love but adore you. We all want to cuddle and hug you, tell you it's going to be okay. Kiss you silly and squish your beautiful cheeks."

Namjoon blushes with those words and unknowingly make all the members want to bear hug him right then and there. 

"Do you want to tell them the other part?" Taehyung quietly whispers in Namjoon's ear. Subtly nodding, Namjoon clears his throat to capture all their attention once more.

"During my stay in the hospital, they said that I'm schizoaffective, and they're going to test me for schizophrenia for six months before diagnosing me. I just wanted to tell you all my triggers," Namjoon says shyly, heart hurting due to fear that grips it.

"I don't know what else to say, but we support you. You're still Namjoon, with or without an illness. We'll always love you for who you are and be together forever," Seokjin says with certainty. 

"Thanks for all your words and support. My triggers are loud arguments, darkness, nighttime, silence, and aloneness," Namjoon says hesitantly.

"So, can we all hug now? I think we all need one," Taehyung says breaking the atmosphere of the situation. All members laugh and bear hug Namjoon, some even kissing his squishy cheeks making him giggle. 

The rest of the day they spend lounging around since they had a break in their schedule today. The lounging around mostly meant gushing about how cute Namjoon was and openly showing affection towards him. Hugging, kissing his cheeks, cuddling, holding hands, admiring him, and telling him that they love him.

All the affection grows to make Namjoon not worry about his illness, and he feels a sense of peace for the first time. Sure, the whispers are still there, but his happiness drowns it out. He feels loved, and he loves them too. Maybe he didn't before, but definitely now. They made him feel better and loved, but not obligated to return it. They respect him in a way that they haven't before or didn't show before. The intrusive thoughts stop for a while. Then night comes.

Nighttime is the time where things become quiet, and the quiet cannot be broken by talking or playing music. The darkness makes the world seem silent but the whispers louder. It makes Namjoon slowly lose his smile, and the members realize that that's what he said one of his triggers was. Nighttime falls upon his world.

Taehyung remembers this and once again stares at Namjoon as he eats, making sure that he doesn't try to starve himself. It calms Taehyung's heart to know that Namjoon is alive and healthy. Illness or not, Taehyung just wants Namjoon to feel comfortable and okay.

They brush teeth together, and Taehyung tucks Namjoon into his bed. Grabbing another blanket again, minds Namjoon's injured arm and goes under Namjoon's covers to sleep with him again. They face each other and Taehyung smiles as he kisses Namjoon's nose. Namjoon blushes with the show of affection and appreciates it as the whispers simmer down when he did it. Falling asleep without the need to scratch his ears out for the first time in a while, he clutches Taehyung's hand as he does so.

The next morning, the sun shining through the curtains wakes up Namjoon. Taehyung is still asleep next to him, and it makes him smile warmly. Namjoon lays back down and stares at the ceiling until Taehyung wakes up. By then he hears the other members talking and getting ready for the day ahead of them. He smells Jin's cooking and takes a deep breath. Taehyung kisses his cheek and Namjoon blushes again.

"Good morning," Taehyung says with a big smile.

"Morning," Namjoon replies with a sudden guilt clenching his heart. 

"What's wrong?" Taehying asks with worry after seeing Namjoon's expression change to pain.

"My heart hurts, I'm sorry for bothering you," Namjoon says quickly as he gets up. Changing his clothes with his back to Taehyung, he misses the concerned expression that Taehyung now wears. 

"My appointment is at eleven o' clock, so I need to start preparing to go," Namjoon says hesitantly, "Can you come with me to my appointment?"

Baffled by the constant change in mood, Taehyung responds, "Of course I will, did you think I didn't already plan for that?"

Now Namjoon's the one surprised, and he doesn't respond with words but with a slow smile. They get ready together, dressing, brushing their hair and teeth, eating the breakfast Seokjin made and left early for Namjoon's appointment. 

The therapist's office was close by, so they walked there together with winter jackets and red noses. The entrance of it was easy to find, and Namjoon checked in while Taehyung found them seats to wait together. When Namjoon's name is called, he gave a lasting smile to Taehyung and went to the therapist waiting for him, holding the door open. 

The hour appointment seems to pass quickly for Taehyung because he watches the TV in the waiting room as he waited. When Namjoon finally comes out, he looks so relaxed, and he had his dimples showing, his smile crinkling around his eyes, and just so adorable. Taehyung practically drooled. 

Namjoon walks over to Taehyung and simply hugs him, then holds his hand as he pulls back.

"Let's go back to the dorm," he says as his mind floats with happiness. Taehyung quickly gets up and eagerly swings their hands back and forth, box smile visible on his face. The walk was cold, but warm with their hands touching. The world seemed to be okay for once. 

The members weren't there when they got back due to dance practice, and neither of them minded as long as they had each other. The members secretly decided without Taehyung that they'll have Taehyung cheer up Namjoon and watch over him. They had Bang PD agree to let Namjoon recover as long as he still has to finish the songs that he was working on for a long time. The members also decided on taking turns to watch Namjoon every day.

Notifying Taehyung of the plan, he happily agrees through text as Namjoon lounges across his lap sleeping. Taehyung threads his fingers through Namjoon's hair and massages his scalp. That makes Namjoon nuzzle his face into Taehyung's hand, and Taehyung smiles due to the adorableness of it. 

The members come back to the dorm shortly after texting Taehyung, and Taehyung has to shush them to prevent from waking Namjoon. Jin starts to cook lunch for everyone, and some members go to their room to lay down, while others kneel in front of Namjoon to card their fingers through his hair as Taehyung did. 

Lunch is made, and once again it's Namjoon's favorite foods. Jin gently wakes the said person up with kisses to his eyelids, and leads the drowsy cuteness to the table and watch him eat as they eat. Jin smiles at Namjoon when they make eye contact, and Namjoon blushes because Jin was the one who woke him up with the kisses that he still feels on his eyelids. 

They go to the studio again after lunch, and Taehyung goes with Namjoon to his studio space. Namjoon eyes him when he does so, but shrugs it off since he's so puppy-like. Namjoon has Taehyung give input on the songs, and Namjoon appreciates the feedback, and it makes the problems in the song somehow disappear. Tired after finishing the songs finally with Taehyung's help, they go back to the dorm together.

The sun has set by now, coloring the sky a beautiful orange and making the clouds have a tint of red. It almost looked as if a painting, in particular with the trees' silhouettes. The smell of pollution ruins the priceless scenery, and Namjoon turns his attention back to walking with Taehyung, who has been staring at him for a while. He watched as his expression slowly turned solemn and decided to walk faster before it became night. 

The dorm is dark and quiet, so Taehyung quickly turns on the lights for Namjoon and beckons him over to the couch, but Namjoon wants to find his box cutter knife and cut a little. He's so tired, and so many things happened today. Impossible to take it all in, he desires to cut and sort his emotions out, unable to break out of his habit. However, Taehyung's lap looks so comfortable, and all he wants is to sleep. So he decides on going to Taehyung and lays down across his lap making him giggle. Closing his tired eyelids, he tries to fall asleep quickly. Today was tiring, especially for Namjoon, so he feels his eyelids grow heavy. His mind becomes blank, and he's on the brink of sleeping. He feels Taehyung massage his scalp and hums in appreciation. He dimly hears a lock turn and quiet yet thunderous footsteps become louder as it approaches slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading. You can ask me questions/make suggestions on my [Tumblr](https://thoughtssilent.tumblr.com/ask).


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